After suffering from severe anxiety, depression, trauma and addiction for 30 years of my life, just a few years ago I figured out the secret of happiness!
I’ve read thousands of books, and I’ve done 17 years of professional work as a psychotherapist. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for… to share the secret of happiness with you! Are you ready to hear about it?
Everything in this world falls into two categories: Things under my control and things not under my control. Do you agree?
There are five things that out of our control! What are they? Other people’s thoughts, other people’s feelings, other people’s behaviors, the past, and the future. Such as someone puts you down, someone is upset with you, someone did something that hurt you, and you unconsciously get stuck in the things that happened in the past or the things you imagine that might happen in the future…
Now, look back in the last 12 months. How much time and energy have you spent trying to control those 5 things that are absolutely out of your control? Now, take a look how much time do you have left to control the things that are absolutely under your control? I bet not much!
The truth is that you have power to choose! You can choose to focus on things under your control or not under your control. No one can point a gun at you and say that you have to focus on the things that are absolutely out of your control. Even a prisoner gets to choose to focus on the things that are under his/her control and live a happy life!
So the question is why are we trying to control the things that are absolutely out of our control? It might be because we do it out of unconscious habit. The consequence is that we are going to be frustrated, angry, and feeling completely powerless all the time!
Make a commitment today: Don’t waste your time and energy focusing on the things that are out of your control! You might ask, “What do I do when I recognize something that bothers me that is one of those 5 things? My answer is “Let go”.
How do we let go? Here are two pieces of advice for you...
1. Live your life like water:
Why water? Water is the strongest and softest substance in the world, you can never use a knife and cut the liquid form of water in half, you will hardly see water going upstream by itself, yet water always finds its way out! Water will never have a head on collision with someone. Water is humble, gentle and wise. Let’s me ask you, what are you made of? Yes! Water! 73% of the body weight of an infant is water. Live your life like water, accept the reality and love what is. It’s a guarantee that you will live a life that is happy and peaceful.
2. Be present:
The definition of Zen is that “There is no reality outside of here and now.” When you spend the current moment and get stuck in the past or the future, your life is slipping right in front of you. I remember in 1988, when I saw my mom lying on the hospital bed and being paralyzed from a stroke. I realized that there was not much difference between my mom and me. Physically she was paralyzed from head to toe and all she could do was blink her eyes. Emotionally and spiritually I was paralyzed, because I couldn’t help keep going to the past and future, and the consequence of that was feeling completely helpless and powerless. This eye-opening experience inspired me to create this tool to help you be present. I call it “3 boxes”.
Imagine there are three boxes in front of you, on the left the box represents the past; on the right the box represents the future, and the box in the middle represents here and now.
If you want to experience shame and guilt, which box do you focus on? The past! If you want to experience fear, which box do you focus on? The future! If you want to experience love, peace and joy, which box do you focus on? Yes, the answer is Here and Now! Just that simple!
In reality, the past is done, you can’t go back to fix it no matter how remorseful you are. The future is not here, but you can scare yourself to death by thinking about the worst scenario and all kinds of what ifs. You will end up being paralyzed by this kind of neurotic fear. This neurotic FEAR stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real”!
If you use this moment and focus on your past and/or your future, you are creating a life that is absolutely delusional because, “there is no reality outside of here and now.” So, why would you create a life that is delusional? Why would you choose to spend time being paralyzed? Do you have power to choose to be present?” Yes! Absolutely yes!
The untrained mind will constantly take you to the past and the future. That is why it is very difficult for you to stay present. Here is a simple exercise you can do to stay present: Identify everything in your surroundings in a very quick fashion. You will notice that your anxiety goes down, simply because in the moment no one is attacking you, your house is not on fire, you are OK exactly where you are!
Over the years, I have searched for the secret of happiness and I have discovered: the secret of happiness is actually linked to living a meaningful life. With everything I have learned in my life, my conclusion for the meaning of life is: All of us are here on the earth to learn the following three things: love, forgive and create. We are here to learn how to love ourselves and others, forgive ourselves and others, and take full responsibility to create a life just the way we want it!
Now, we have chosen not to waste our time focusing on the things that are out of our control, we get to focus on the things absolutely under our control. What are the things that will bring us happiness? Love, forgive and create the life just the way we want it!
In closing, I would like to share with you my favorite quote: “Love is that I am everything, wisdom is that I am nothing, between the two, my life moves…”
Blessings to you!
Wen Chi Chien, M.A. LPC
CEO, Founder of Zen Institute
From EMDR to meditation, I did so much and was able to finally let go of many things that not only haunted me, but kept me in a prison which was only constructed by me. When anxiety attacks happened, I had an array of techniques you (Wen Chi) taught me to use which helped tremendously!" ~Trevor S.~
What is DBT?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a therapy designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not helpful, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking, and substance abuse. This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions. DBT assumes that people are doing the best they can but are either lacking the skills or are influenced by positive or negative reinforcement that interferes with their ability to function appropriately.
DBT combines standard cognitive behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice.*
Who can benefit from DBT?
Although DBT was originally created for individuals with borderline-personality disorder, it has significantly evolved, proving valuable for a much wider range of people struggling with a variety of mental health and relationship concerns. DBT is often used with individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety, codependency, and alcohol/drug abuse, to name a few.
If you are still unsure if you could benefit from DBT, perhaps ask yourself this question – Do I have behaviors or ways of thinking that are potentially becoming harmful to my wellbeing?
If you answered yes, or even maybe, then incorporating DBT skills could absolutely be a great approach to providing some relief. Essentially, if you want to improve your quality of life and connections with others, you are a good fit for DBT group!
What will I learn about in DBT group at Zen Institute?
Learning DBT is like learning a new language. Yet, Zen Institute has created a DBT group that is focused on simplicity and effectiveness. The groups are small, to promote safety, trust, and open discussion. Participants are taught one skill at a time. Each skill is coordinated with a worksheet to reinforce the material. Participants are encouraged to share life experiences and learn from each other.
The group is divided into the four major modules of DBT:
Mindfulness will challenge you to accept negative thoughts, feelings, or situations as they are, rather than concentrating on how you might want them to be. Mindfulness is a great tool to help you stay in the present and be non-judgmental toward yourself and others.
2. Emotion Regulation
Emotion regulation will help you identify and understand the functions of your emotions, and provide you with tools to process overwhelming emotions and channel them into positive action.
3. Distress Tolerance
Distress tolerance provides you with tools for self soothing and coping with crisis situations in a positive way.
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness
The interpersonal effectiveness module will teach you how to get what you want in your relationships. You will learn to speak up your truth, set healthy boundaries, and create loving relationships.
DBT is a unique style of group therapy. The tools learned in DBT group can serve you for a lifetime.
This post was contributed by:
Jenna Jarrold, MS, LAC, NCC
Staff Therapist, Zen Institute
*Source: Wikipedia contributors. "Dialectical behavior therapy." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 25 May. 2015. Web. 18 Jun. 2015.